The Worst Ways to Combat Impotence in Human History

Viagra was invented only 20 years ago, in 1998. However, the struggle against erectile dysfunction has a history stretching back thousands of years, and countless remedies have been attempted.

Viagra was invented only 20 years ago, in 1998. However, the struggle against erectile dysfunction has a history stretching back thousands of years, and countless remedies have been attempted.

GIFTS FROM OUR SMALLER BROTHERS

Humanity likely faced impotence long before Ancient Egypt, but the Egyptians were the first to record and disseminate a "tried and tested" remedy. They recommended a medicinal ointment made from aromatic oils and the hearts of very young crocodiles. It’s uncertain who suffered more in those ancient times—the Nile crocodiles or the brave souls who ventured to obtain the necessary ingredients.

Another ointment recipe for application to strategic areas was recorded in the ancient Indian text "Kama Sutra." Fortunately, it didn’t require crocodiles, but it did involve a dangerous activity: stirring up wasp nests. The stings of the wasps were a key ingredient.

Despite our modern advances, poachers today risk their lives for tiger penises and rhino horns, which are sold at exorbitant prices. However, these ingredients offer as much benefit as crocodile hearts and wasp stings.

SHOCK THERAPY

Scientific progress has made its contribution to the fight against impotence. With the advent of widespread electrification, electricity seemed to be the solution to all problems. Observing the benefits of electric impulses in treating chronic pain, doctors in the late 19th century began to offer shock therapy as a remedy for erectile issues.

Specialized clinics equipped with devices for men popped up across Europe and the USA. Electrodes were inserted directly into the genitals, with the aim of "revitalizing" them. Soon, these clinics were replaced by portable electric belts—puritanical advertisements promised these devices would help men deal with anxiety, weakness, and nervous disorders (if you catch our drift).

VARIED POISONS

Parallel to electrotherapy, the pharmaceutical industry was evolving. In the 19th century, strychnine was extracted from the seeds of the nux vomica tree, one of the most toxic substances in nature, known for its stimulating effects on the central nervous system.

Pharmacies were flooded with strychnine-based preparations, and consumers experienced painful convulsions without achieving the desired potency. Chemists soon realized their mistake, and today strychnine is used as a pesticide and rodent poison.

In 1898, the esteemed Curie family discovered radium but overlooked its harmful effects on human health. Like any new discovery of the time, this radioactive metal quickly found its way into pharmaceuticals—such as Radione tablets, which promised pure energy, and Tho-Radia face cream, ironically claimed to give the skin a glow. Some enterprising pharmacists even offered rectal suppositories with radium for impotence. The game was definitely not worth the candle.

GOAT TESTICLE TRANSPLANTS

In 1918, Dr. John R. Brinkley began performing goat testicle transplants for men seeking a cure. Legend has it that his first patient, farmer Bill Shitzwirth, not only regained his lost potency but also became a father immediately.

The advertising campaign was highly successful, and Brinkley quickly amassed a fortune, performing operations costing $750 each (almost $10,000 in 2018 money). In reality, Bill Shitzwirth was a myth, Brinkley had purchased his medical diploma from a shady source, and goat testicles often did nothing more than painfully reject themselves from patients' bodies.

BURNING THE WITCH

Yet no method for combating erectile dysfunction can match the senselessness and cruelty of medieval European practices. In the 13th century, philosopher Thomas Aquinas declared that impotence was caused by demons. Two hundred years later, his followers developed this idea during the infamous witch hunts.

Inquisitors believed that an inability to fulfill marital duties was the work of wicked witches, and the only way to restore male potency was to burn, drown, or stretch the supposed culprit on the rack. If potency did not return after the execution, suspicion would fall on the next woman with red hair and a black cat.